For Thanksgiving 2016 I traveled to Tulum, Mexico with my friends Courtney and Emily. 

I was so looking forward to a few days of lounging by the pool, exploring the Mayan ruins, binging on piña coladas, and taking advantage of an all-inclusive resort by EATING ALL THE THINGS.

*I’ll preface this story with the fact I was still in my early 30s and my metabolism was not yet dead.

This was going to be my first experience at an all-inclusive resort and I was literally shaking with excitement.

I’ve always been a fan of buffets–what’s not to love? Anything unlimited brings me absolute joy. Growing up, we celebrated special occasions at Ponderosa and those memories of making multiple trips to the buffet for overcooked mac and cheese will stay with me forever.

And Olive Garden is my happy place–when you’re there, you’re family! I once thought of getting a tattoo of an infinity sign with the words “soup, salad, and breadsticks” next to it (kidding, not kidding).

So the idea of spending four days with the option to eat everything at anytime… I was up for the challenge. Bring it on!

I remember my first plate of food when we got to the resort. I overlooked the fact that the food options were mostly crappy American (authentic Mexican food is insanely good), and went straight for the chicken nuggets. Added some pizza, pasta, and let’s not forget the huevos con weenies AKA hot dog eggs AKA huevos con salchicha. Whoever invented scrambled eggs with boiled hot dogs should be given a hug and a pat on the back. What a perfectly balanced breakfast with a hint of trashy.

My average plate count for each meal was about 3-4. I couldn’t stop eating. There was a fire in me I had never felt before and my desire for those nugs and weenie eggs consumed my thoughts.

Sure the pool and beach were nice, but those nugs were simply beautiful.

One day, we decided to do a day excursion to a water park. This water park was no joke–it was built around a cenote (sinkhole) and had zip lining, a lazy river, snorkeling, and… a buffet.

So in addition to my buffet experience for breakfast, I had a new buffet option for lunch. But don’t fear, they had chicken nuggets and weenie eggs.

After a fun day, we went back to our resort and swung by the dining hall for another snack. I should mention my girlfriends practiced much more self restraint than I did. And on top of the gluttonous journey I was on, I was also binging on piña coladas (not the lightest of beverages to indulge in).

Have I set the scene yet?

Now, the buffet at the resort was not our only dining option. There were other restaurants you could visit–Italian, Asian, etc. The previous night we had fun at one of the restaurants pretending one of us was celebrating a birthday while the waiter blindfolded us, spun us in our chairs and poured tequila down our throats.

We decided to try one of the other restaurants that evening and headed back to our hotel room to clean up after a fun day at the water park.

Courtney and I were both using the mirror in the bathroom to put on makeup when a sudden hot flash consumed my whole body. “Woah!” I said as I gave Courtney a look of extreme panic. “You okay?” she asked. “I… I may need a minute. Mind if I use the bathroom?” I said sheepishly.

Without going into too much detail, I’ll just say that at that moment my digestive system officially surrendered.

I opened the bathroom door and told the girls to go to dinner without me, it was for the best. I also didn’t think I could ingest one more morsel of food.

The girls headed out to dinner and the next few hours were quite torturous. Damn those hot dog eggs and nuggets.

I was lying on the bed, most likely with beads of perspiration on my head, when I heard a knock at the door. With hesitation, I opened the door and a man greeted me and said, “Hola, I am the plumber, the hotel called me to come here and fix your toilet.” To which I replied, “I can assure you the toilet is working perfectly fine.” The man looked at me with a bit of confusion and said, “The guests above reported excessive flushing and we’re here to help fix it.” I laughed, thanked him and told him everything was working fine (the toilet that is and not my internal organs).

As I walked back to the bed, I laughed. Courtney and Emily got me! Clearly this was a prank to make fun of me for succumbing to the buffet devil gods.

About an hour later, Courtney and Emily return and I immediately yell, “You gals got me!” and laughed. They both looked at me with a curious look on their faces and asked what I was talking about. “You had that guy come and pretend the toilet was broken. Excessive flushing. Ha!”

They both started laughing hysterically and said they absolutely did not call anyone. At that moment, my already flushed and sweaty face turned even redder knowing the consequences of my buffet consumption was noticed by others. I felt so embarrassed I wanted to go hide under a rock (definitely not a plate of nugs).

From that moment on, my friends would joke anytime they saw a reference to someone eating a chicken nugget. I will never live down my first all-inclusive experience and the 2016 crash of my digestive system and dignity.

What’s the moral of the story you may ask? Well, I say, go to that buffet, do some damage, but maybe don’t have 6 plates at a time.